Fifty Shades Darker (2017) Review

Fifty Shades of Grey grossed half a billion dollars worldwide, which is a good enough reason to adapt the other two books into movies. For those who do not know, I despised the original, and that's putting mildly. It broke me, something that not many bad movies were able to pull off. The leads were terrible and lacked any sort of chemistry, the sex scenes lacked any real substance, and it was just boring as heck. All of this came from what was originally Twilight fan-fiction.

Is it any surprise that Fifty Shades Darker is just as bad? Of course not! What do expect from movies that are adapted from books that are nothing but smut?

The whole movie is about Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) and Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) getting back together and stuff just goes on. There's also something to do with Christian's past like a former girlfriend (Bella Heathcote) who is stalking them and the woman that made him who he is (a waste of Kim Basinger's talent). A movie with barely any plot can work if the characters are interesting enough to carry it over. The first movie had its chance to give us that and failed, which makes sitting through this one a chore.

The sequel does not do anything better this time around. Ana is still an idiot who lets Christian boss her around, telling her not to go to certain places and the like. But wait, she actually does mention to him that their relationship is not romantic; it's ownership. At least this movie is self-aware, right? In the words of Mr. Enter, pointing out your own problems does not make them go away.

Yes, Christian has a troubled past that made him the kinky and controlling person he is today. However, I have no sympathy for this creep. At the beginning, he stalks Ana before telling her that he wants her back. His actions do not make me want to get invested in his character at all. I also have no sympathy for Ana because, again, she is a total moron for letting him back to her life.

I also want to mention that the relationship (if you want to call it that) is absolutely cringe-worthy. Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan still have no on-screen chemistry. I never once bought the fact that they are in "love." Their dialogue is just awful to listen to. At the beginning, Ana describes their progressing relationship as "vanilla." One scene later, she gives Christian vanilla ice cream. Um, okay? I know good brick jokes in movies, but this isn't one of them. It comes off as painfully forced.

I even found myself scowling at the part where Christian takes some lipstick and draws lines on his chest to signifty where Ana can touch him. It is so ridiculous that it comes off as narm. But wait, I can't even call it narm because I'm not unintentionally laughing. There you have it, this movie is not enjoyable on a "so bad, it's good" level.

Let's talk about the sex scenes. Just like the first, they are just there because they were the main gimmick of the books... and maybe to possibly turn on viewers, I guess? None of this comes off as erotic at all. They are just awkward to look at and none of the actors look dedicated to delivering them. The movie barely decides to go all out because it does not want to get an NC-17 rating. You'll get shots of Ana's breasts and buttocks, and that's it. The scenes also have pop music playing over them to distract us from these awkwardly-made scenes. That's what the soundtrack is: distracting.

I can't believe I'm even repeating myself. but if you take out all of these sex scenes, you're left with a forgettable movie that barely has any plot to begin with and has horrible characters. That is how desperate this movie is trying to grab the audience's attention.

That's not to mention that some of the other sexual stuff that happens. How about that scene where Christian puts these balls inside Ana? I heard some audience members laugh when we figured out its purpose; I was just dumbfounded that this is even in the movie at all. I cannot also go on without mentioning the elevator scene. In that part, Christian gropes Ana and tells her not to... on second thought, I'll spare you the details. All I can say is that it was unpleasant to watch, and this is supposed to be erotic for some reason?

I also found the filmmaking itself questionable. I complimented the first movie for looking nice and having some good shots, even if they do not mean much. Here, nothing in the visuals stand out. There is no calming, cloudy skies or a decent color palette; it just looks dull. The rule of third shots during conversation scenes don't even look right most of the time. They lack in any good composition and distracted me from the movie.

The editing also bothers me. Take that one scene where Ana and Christian ride a boat. Some pop song plays over it and it cuts from one shot of them to a wide shot of the boat and the water rather quickly. I felt like I was watching a commercial for a boat that only rich people can afford. If it is a commercial, it should have gone something like this.

Of course, the thing I hate about the editing is that many scenes dragged on and deserved to be trimmed down. It's nearly two hours long (slightly shorter than the original) yet it felt like an eternity. This movie bored me to tears due to scenes that do not go anywhere. Remember when I mentioned this former girlfriend stalking Ana and Christian? If all that stuff was cut out, I doubt it would make a difference. That's how poorly thought-out this movie is.

Seriously, I feel sorry for everyone who got involved in the making of this movie. I know the cast and crew have talent; it's too bad that it was all wasted on these terrible movies. However, I want to give the benefit of the doubt: maybe the filmmakers knew that the movie was going to turn out bad and decided to make it as bad as possible so that less people will see it. Hey, if the movie does not care, then why should we?

That's Fifty Shades Darker for you. More like Fifty Shades Dumber! I can't believe I'm saying this, but the first movie is better. With the first movie, I don't remember reacting much; all I remember was just being bored. Here, I gagged and cringed more than usual, and not in a good way. When the end credits began rolling, I literally said "Thank goodness it's over." Now, just because I said that the first movie was better, it does not mean much. Just because the garbage I took out last night smelled better than the garbage I took out today, it's still garbage in the end.

The characters are horrible, the "romance" is not romantic, the pacing is sluggish, the acting ranges from mediocre to bad, the sex scenes are awkward, and the soundtrack is trash. Overall, it was a waste of time and a whole lot of nothing going on for a while. Do not support this movie. Go watch The Lego Batman Movie or John Wick: Chapter 2 instead. You'll have a much better time with those. Heck, find a better alternative for Valentine's Day. You bet that I find Fifty Shades Dumber to be...

SOMETHING AWFUL

You know what the worst part out of all this is? It was shot back-to-back with the third movie. Yup, we have to put up with one more. ONE! EFFING! MORE! And I'll be ready for it.